So you think your life is bad…

Just think how bad the life of an egg is…

You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, “I got injured between the first and second hole.”
“That’s a bitch,” said the other woman, “You will never get a band aid to stick there!”

Que. What is the definition of old age?

Ans. When it takes the whole night to do what you used to do the whole night!

A blonde finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said.
“Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night’s dream. “I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.”
The husband says, “What about one my size?”

His wife responds, “Didn’t get a bid,” and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one’s sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10.”

His wife says, “What about ones like mine?”

The husband smiles and says, “That’s where they held the auction.”

Que. Why do men become smarter during sex?

Ans. Because they are plugged into a genius.

A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life.
The hubby complains, “You never tell me when you are having an orgasm?”
The wife replies, “How can I? You are never here.”

Que. How can you pick out a paranoid woman?

Ans. She’s the one putting a condom on her vibrator.

Secret of long life…
Morning 2 eggs
Evening 2 pegs and
Night 2 legs